It's Okay to Set Sleep Boundaries That Support Your Sleep Too

Feb 4

If you're exhausted, this is for you.

Sleep conversations often focus almost entirely on children—how to help them sleep better, longer, more independently. But sleep doesn't exist in a vacuum. When a child isn't sleeping, the whole family feels it.

And chronic sleep deprivation doesn't just make parents tired.

It affects patience. Decision-making. Emotional regulation. Mental, physical, and emotional health.

The invisible cost of parental sleep deprivation

Let's be honest for a moment. When we talk about "parents," we're often talking about mothers.

Mothers who are expected to show up the next day as patient, regulated, present caregivers—even after a night of broken or minimal sleep. Night after night. Without much acknowledgment of how heavy that actually is.

That level of exhaustion isn't just hard—it's dysregulating.

When a parent is chronically sleep-deprived, their nervous system can stay stuck in fight-or-flight. In that state, everything feels urgent. Everything feels like a threat. Even behaviors that are completely age-appropriate can start to feel overwhelming.

And this is where a lot of parents carry quiet guilt.

Because many are doing everything they can to support their child—lying with them until they fall asleep, returning to the room again and again, responding to every call-out in the night. And yet, sleep often becomes more fragmented, not less.

When supportive strategies stop working

Some children wake fully when a parent tries to leave. Some call their parent back in multiple times overnight. Some sleep more lightly and restlessly when another person is present.

This isn't because anyone is doing something wrong.

It's because sleep is complex—and sometimes the strategies we use to be responsive can unintentionally keep everyone from getting the rest they need.

Here's what this can look like:

You lie with your child until they fall asleep, but the moment you try to leave, they wake fully and the process starts over. Or you successfully leave the room, but they call you back in 20 minutes later. Then again at midnight. Then again at 2 AM.

You're being responsive. You're being present. But you're also running on four hours of broken sleep, and tomorrow you have to do it all over again.

And somewhere in the exhaustion, you start to wonder: Is it okay to want this to be different?

Yes. It is.

Responsiveness and boundaries can coexist

Here's the part I want parents to hear clearly:

You can be a responsive, loving parent and hold boundaries around sleep.

Responsiveness and boundaries are not opposites. Boundaries don't mean abandonment. When done thoughtfully and in alignment with your values, they can create safety, predictability, and rest—for your child and for you.

Boundaries might mean:

Teaching your child to fall asleep without you physically present
Gradually reducing how long you stay in the room
Responding to night wakings differently than you do at bedtime
Creating a clear end point to the bedtime routine

Boundaries do not mean:

Ignoring distress
Leaving your child to "figure it out" alone without teaching them how
Prioritizing your sleep at the expense of your child's emotional safety
Rigid, one-size-fits-all rules that don't account for your child's individual needs

The difference matters. Boundaries in the context of sleep aren't about withdrawal—they're about creating a structure that supports rest for everyone.

What this looks like in practice

If you're reading this and thinking, Okay, but how? —that's a fair question.

Setting boundaries around sleep doesn't mean flipping a switch overnight. It means making intentional, gradual changes that honor both your child's needs and your own.

This might look like:

Fading your presence gradually. If you currently lie with your child until they're fully asleep, you might start by sitting next to the bed instead. Then moving your chair closer to the door over time. Then sitting in the doorway. Then checking in from the hallway. The goal isn't to disappear—it's to teach your child that they're safe even when you're not physically next to them.

Checking in at gradually extending intervals. Instead of laying down with your child for the full bedtime, you might check in on them at short intervals that gradually extend—5 minutes, then 10, then 15. You're still responsive and present, just not physically in the room the entire time. This teaches them you'll come back while also giving them space to practice falling asleep independently.

Setting a time limit on your presence. You might lay with your child for 10 minutes as part of the routine, but then you leave—and you hold that boundary. "I'm going to snuggle with you for 10 minutes, then I'm going to go finish the dishes. You've got this." It's predictable, it's loving, and it has a clear end point.

Teaching coping strategies for self-soothing. Instead of you being the only tool your child has when they can't sleep, you teach them what to do when you're not in the room. This might be breathing exercises, a specific phrase to repeat, a visualization, or using a parking lot for thoughts that pop up. You're still supportive—you're just giving them skills they can use independently.

Creating a clear end to bedtime. After the routine is done (stories, songs, goodnights), you leave. You might check in once after 10 minutes if your child calls out, but you don't re-engage in the full routine. You keep it brief, boring, and consistent. The boundary is: bedtime ends at a specific point, and we don't restart it.

Responding differently to night wakings. If your child wakes overnight and calls for you, you might respond from the doorway with reassurance instead of getting back into bed with them. "I'm here. You're safe. It's still nighttime. Close your eyes and rest your body." Then you leave. You're responsive—but you're not reinforcing the pattern of needing you physically present to fall back asleep.

These aren't rigid rules. They're examples. What works for your family will depend on your child's age, temperament, and specific sleep challenges. But the principle is the same: you can be present, responsive, and loving while still holding space for rest.

Your sleep matters too

Rest isn't a luxury. It isn't selfish. It's a biological need.

When you're rested, you're more patient. You're more regulated. You're better able to be the parent you actually want to be. And your child benefits from that too—not just from the sleep strategies themselves, but from having a parent who isn't running on empty.

Supporting sleep for the whole family isn't something you need permission for—but if you've been waiting for it, here it is.

You're allowed to need sleep. You're allowed to make changes that support your rest, even if those changes feel hard at first. You're allowed to teach your child skills that create more independence at bedtime, not because they've done anything wrong, but because sustainable sleep requires it.

If you're feeling stuck

Maybe you're reading this and thinking, I want to make changes, but I don't know where to start. Or I've tried, and it didn't work.

That's okay. Sleep is one of the most challenging parts of parenting, and it's not something you have to figure out alone.

If your child struggles with racing thoughts at bedtime, the Racing Thoughts Protocol walks you through specific, evidence-based strategies that help kids with ADHD, autism, or anxiety manage the cognitive transition to sleep.

If you're dealing with bedtime resistance, frequent night wakings, or early morning wakings, and you're not sure what's driving it—or you've made adjustments but you're still stuck—one-on-one support can help. We can look at what's happening specifically in your home, identify the patterns keeping everyone from rest, and build a plan that fits your family.

You're not failing

You're not doing this wrong. You're just really, really tired.

And that deserves care.

Sleep deprivation is hard. It's dysregulating. It's isolating. And if you've been running on fumes for months or years, the idea of making changes might feel overwhelming.

But you don't have to keep going like this. You're allowed to want rest. You're allowed to create boundaries that support it. And you're allowed to get help figuring out how.

Your sleep matters. And you're not selfish for prioritizing it.