When It Feels Like You’re Correcting Your Child All Day

Some days, it can feel like a lot of what you say to your child is some version of a reminder or correction.

“Put your shoes on.”

“Please stop bothering your brother.”

“Get down from there.”

“I already asked you to clean that up.”

“We’re not having another snack right now.”

“Please get dressed.”

“Leave the dog alone.”

By the end of the day, you may realize you’ve spent a lot of time reminding, redirecting, and helping your child get through things they were supposed to be doing. This can be especially true when your child has a hard time following directions, managing frustration, getting through routines, or getting along with siblings.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being too negative or looking for things to correct. You’re responding to what’s happening in front of you, and problems tend to require our attention more than the things that are going smoothly.

Imagine your child is playing with Legos while you make dinner. They’ve been playing independently for 15 minutes, which is actually something you’ve been hoping they would do more often. You’re probably focused on making dinner, unloading the dishwasher, or getting something else done while they’re occupied.

Then they get frustrated because they can’t find a piece and start yelling or throw a Lego across the room. You stop what you’re doing and respond because there’s something that needs your attention. Meanwhile, those 15 minutes of independent play may have gone mostly unnoticed.

This happens pretty naturally throughout the day. When kids are doing what we expect, there often isn’t much reason for us to respond. Your child might get dressed with less help than usual, handle being told “not right now” better than they normally do, wait while you finish talking to someone, or play with their sibling without an argument. It’s easy for those things to go unnoticed because you’re able to keep moving through your day.

What Does “Catch Them Being Good” Actually Mean?

“Catch them being good” is advice that’s been around for a long time. The phrase can sound a little corny, but there’s a useful idea behind it. When so much of our attention goes toward the things that need to be addressed, we may need to be a little more intentional about noticing what’s already going well.

Say mornings have been difficult lately. Your child usually needs reminder after reminder to get dressed, brush their teeth, find their shoes, and get out the door. One morning, you tell them to get dressed and they actually get started without another reminder.

It might not seem like a big deal. Getting dressed is something they’re expected to do. If it usually takes several reminders, though, getting started after the first one is a change. You might simply say, “You got started getting dressed when I asked this morning. That really helped us get out the door.”

The same idea applies when two siblings who have been arguing a lot spend 20 minutes building something together. There’s no need to interrupt them with a big speech about how nicely they’re playing. You might sit down for a minute and ask what they’re making, join them for a little while, or mention later that you liked seeing them having fun together.

Positive attention doesn’t always have to mean praise. It can be showing interest in what your child is doing, listening to the very detailed story they want to tell you, laughing together, or joining them for a few minutes. Kids need interactions with us that aren’t always about what they need to stop doing or what they need to do next.

When behavior has been difficult for a while, those interactions can become harder to come by. Parents may feel like most of their time with their child involves giving directions or dealing with a problem, while the child may feel like they’re being corrected constantly. That can happen even in a family with a close relationship and plenty of time together.

Connection Helps, but It Doesn’t Solve Every Behavior Problem

Spending positive time with your child and having a strong relationship with them is important, but connection isn’t a solution to every behavior challenge.

A child can have a close relationship with their parents and still have frequent meltdowns. A child with ADHD can get plenty of positive attention and still need a lot of support getting through the morning routine. Siblings can enjoy playing together and still have a hard time resolving conflicts without adult help.

Connection doesn’t mean avoiding limits because your child might become upset. If screen time is over, the TV can stay off even if your child is disappointed. If it’s time to leave the playground, you can acknowledge that they don’t want to leave while still following through. Parents can have a warm, connected relationship with their child while also having expectations for behavior.

Notice Improvement, Not Just the Final Goal

It can be easy to miss improvement when your child still isn’t doing exactly what you want them to do.

Maybe your child usually screams and hits when their sibling takes a toy. Today they yell, “Give it back!” You probably still want to work on how they handle the situation, but not hitting is an important difference.

Getting out the door might usually take eight reminders and today it takes three. Three reminders may still feel like a lot when you’re trying to get everyone to school on time, but your child needed less help than usual.

The same can happen with bigger reactions. If turning off the tablet usually leads to a 20-minute meltdown and one day your child complains for a few minutes but moves on, there’s been a change even though the transition still wasn’t easy.

We can acknowledge those smaller improvements while continuing to work toward more independence or a bigger goal. Children don’t have to do something perfectly before we let them know we noticed a change. Paying attention to those smaller steps can also make it clearer what we want them to keep doing.

There’s no need to praise every appropriate thing your child does. That would probably feel unnatural for you and potentially annoying to your child. If you realize that you tend to notice problems much more quickly than things going well, try paying attention to that for a few days without putting pressure on yourself to respond to everything.

You may start noticing your child getting started with one less reminder, playing independently while you make dinner, recovering from frustration a little more quickly, or getting along with a sibling for longer than usual. When there’s a natural opportunity, acknowledge it. That might mean saying something specific about what you noticed, showing interest in what they’re doing, or spending a few minutes with them.

What If You Really Are Correcting Your Child All Day?

There are situations where a parent really is giving a lot of reminders and corrections because their child needs that much support to get through the day.

You might be repeating directions over and over, stepping into sibling conflicts frequently, struggling through transitions, or walking your child through routines they seem like they should be able to do more independently. That can be exhausting, and simply trying to add more praise probably isn’t going to address why those situations are so difficult.

A child who needs 15 reminders every morning may need more than positive attention when they finally put their shoes on. It can be helpful to look at what’s making the routine difficult in the first place. Maybe there are too many steps for them to keep track of independently. Maybe something in the routine is consistently distracting them. Maybe they haven’t developed some of the skills the routine requires yet. The reason won’t be the same for every child, which is why adding more reminders isn’t always the most useful solution.

The same applies when you find yourself correcting the same behavior over and over. Telling a child what they shouldn’t do may be necessary in the moment, especially when safety or another person is involved. It doesn’t always teach them what to do the next time they’re frustrated, disappointed, bored, or having trouble with an expectation. Taking a closer look at why the behavior keeps happening can help you figure out what your child may need instead.

Paying more attention to what’s going well can be helpful, particularly when difficult behavior has started taking up a lot of your interactions. If you still feel like you’re correcting your child all day, it may also be worth looking more closely at why they need so much correction and what could help them be more successful in those situations.

Looking for Individualized Support?

If you feel like you’re addressing the same behaviors over and over and you’re not sure what to change, I offer individualized parent coaching for families of children ages 2–12. Together, we look at what may be contributing to the challenge and develop practical strategies that fit your child, your family, and everyday life.

[Learn More About Parent Coaching]

About the Author

Tiffany Marrelli, MS, BCBA, CBSP is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Certified Behavioral Sleep Practitioner with more than 18 years of experience supporting children and families. She works with families of children ages 2–12, including many children with autism, ADHD, and other developmental differences.