“Share Your Calm, Don’t Join the Chaos”… But What Does That Actually Mean?

Jan 20

A popular parenting quote says:

“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”

It’s a beautiful sentiment.
It’s also incredibly hard to live out in real life—especially when you’re exhausted, overstimulated, late for something, or already running on empty.

So let’s talk about what this quote really means, and more importantly, how to do it when your own nervous system is activated.

First: Calm Is Not a Personality Trait

“Sharing your calm” doesn’t mean you never feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or triggered. It doesn’t mean being endlessly patient or emotionally neutral.

It means learning how to:

Notice when you are dysregulated
Interrupt the automatic reaction
Choose a response that helps both you and your child regulate

This is a skill—not a moral failing if it’s hard.

Why This Feels Especially Hard at Bedtime

For many families, bedtime is where this quote feels most impossible.

Bedtime is a perfect storm:

Your child is exhausted and has fewer coping skills available
You’re likely tired too
There’s pressure to “get through the routine”
Emotions escalate quickly

When a child resists bedtime or has big emotions at night, they aren’t being manipulative or defiant—their nervous system is overloaded. And when your nervous system is already stretched thin, it’s easy to join the chaos without meaning to.

Understanding this doesn’t magically make bedtime easy—but it helps us respond with more intention and less self-blame.

Step 1: Identify How You Are Feeling

Before we can help our kids with their big emotions, we have to recognize what’s happening in our own bodies.

Common signs parents are dysregulated:

Tight chest or jaw
Raised voice or fast talking
Feeling “done,” trapped, or furious
Urge to control, fix, or shut the situation down immediately

Try naming it (even silently):

“I’m feeling really frustrated.”
“My body feels overwhelmed right now.”

Labeling your emotion helps engage the thinking part of your brain—and gives you a moment of pause.

Step 2: Make a Plan for Triggered Moments

In the heat of the moment is not the time to decide how to stay calm. That plan needs to be made ahead of time.

Ask yourself:

What situations trigger me most? (bedtime, transitions, defiance, whining)
What does my body need when I’m activated?

Some parent-regulation strategies:

One slow breath before responding
Planting your feet on the floor and grounding your body
Using a phrase like: “I can handle this.”
Briefly stepping away if it’s safe to do so

The goal isn’t to eliminate frustration—it’s to keep it from running the show.

Step 3: Practice Outside of Hard Moments

Regulation skills don’t magically appear during meltdowns. They’re built during calm, neutral moments.

Practice:

Belly breathing when things are already going well
Stretching or movement breaks
Naming emotions out loud in everyday situations

The more familiar these strategies are to you, the easier they are to access when things get hard.

Step 4: Model Coping Skills for Your Child

Children learn regulation by watching it—not by being told to “calm down.”

One of the most powerful things you can do is model coping out loud.

For example:

“I’m feeling really frustrated after today. My body needs help calming down.”

Then invite your child to practice with you:

“Would you like to lay down with me and help me do big belly breaths?”

This teaches your child:

Emotions are normal
Coping is something we do, not something we’re born knowing
Adults use strategies too

Step 5: Practice Together During Mild Stress

You don’t need to wait for a meltdown to practice regulation together.

Try moments of mild frustration:

Traffic
A spilled drink
A game not going as planned

Narrate your process:

“I’m feeling annoyed, so I’m going to take a deep breath and slow my body down.”

This builds your child’s emotional toolbox in real time.

Sharing Calm Is a Practice, Not Perfection

You will lose your cool sometimes. You will raise your voice. You will join the chaos on occasion.

What matters most is:

Repairing when it happens
Modeling how to recover
Showing your child that emotions can be managed—not avoided

Calm isn’t something we force.
It’s something we practice, again and again, together.

Ready for personalized support with your family's specific challenges?

If you're tired of generic advice that doesn't account for your child's unique needs or your family's reality, schedule a free discovery call. We'll talk about what's really going on and how behavioral strategies can help your whole family feel more regulated and connected.

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